d a c e

un tomēr sapņ piepildās.

nekad nebūtu domājusi, ka līdz asarām varu būt priecīga par cilvēkiem, kurus knapi pazīstu.

how come, my dreams ended up to be little nightmares?

december is frightening me. so much work to do and so little will.
and then i deliberate about where i am exactly and how i got here.

and think twice before you ask for something, because when you will get it, you may be slightly disappointed. and i’m sure, you will get everything you want. eventually.

so what’s the story…
couple months ago i was freaking out that i’ll be in trouble because i wasn’t so perfect as i would wish to be. of coure i was so much better then i expected. but all those thoughts about failing were still somewhere, so that now there really is a possibility that i will end up with so much disappointment.
to make it clearer (and it’s so hard to call things by their proper names) - yes, i’m terrified. i don’t want to loose my scholarship because of my laziness and stupidity. so far for my blond brains…

and that’s not all. i finally understood my reasons of interaction with other people. it kind of makes sense now. but i’ll leave it for some other time. because i have to do my schoolwork, and maybe till then the situation of my confidence level will be different.

but maybe, just maybe, i’m exaggerating everything. again…

i’m trying not to think about what have happened past few days. not that i hate those moments, i’m just really disappointed with me and my thoughts.
i don’t understand, why i care so much what other people think and why the hell i’m always doing (or not doing) things just to make other people feel good.
however i’m not sure if i have to live my life jsut to make ME satisfied.
i’m not even sure, why we are living our lives, if it’s just some waste of time. there is no point. just missed deadlines.

you just have to mess up one thing, and your whole imaginary, almost perfect (as you usually say to all other people) life falls apart.

i just can’t understand anything today…
why are we living our lives the way we do?
why are we have to eat and sleep? (and i know all the biological stuff) we could do so much during that time. it’s just another waste.
why do we have to learn, work, make family? and then what? this idealized model is making me insane.

it just doesn’t make sense.

veiksmi, Latvija, tā šķiet varētu noderēt!

piecēlos ar domu, ka patriotisms mani sen jau kā pametis un ar vienaldzību pret neiesaistīšanos nekādos svētku pasākumos. bet es esmu šeit, Latvijā, es novērtēju, ko tā man sniedz, apzinos, ka, iespējams, nespēšu viņai neko dot pretī. bet man patīk gaiss, kas te virmo, ainavas, ko var redzēt pa logu, mājās braucot, un, jā, man patīk arī esošā situācija valstī, jo beidzot visi ir tādi, kādi viņi ir. mēs apzināmies savu līdzcilvēku patieso dabu, to kāds ir īstens latvietis. un nav ko kaunēties, ka mēs esam čīkstuļu un “tam maitam iet labāk nekā man” tauta. bet tādi mēs esam un man patīk šis vienmēr pastāvošais cinisms. kad mēs ne esam ar visu apmierināti, tas nozīmē, ka mums ir vēlme augt, un tas ir galvenais.
un šodien es ar savu dziļi, dziļi sirdī esošo prieku, atbalstu un svētku sajūtu varbūt par aizdegšu svecīti par godu tiem, kas ļāvuši man dzīvot tādu dzīvi, kas man tagad ir. un man vienalga, ja kāds domā, ka ar to ir par maz. galvenais, ka es jūtu un domāju par to, nevis parādu savam kaimiņam, cik ļoti es mīlu savu zemi, izrādīdamās, ka esmu tur, kur visi. esmu vientuļniece, tāda pati kā Latvija.

well… she is strong. she is definately stronger than me.
and furthermore i am playing this litlle fool.

these games, that we are all playing, are getting more and more difficult to controle.
dramaturgical approach is something you just have to handle. because if you can’t play your role, you are out of society.
but what makes me a part of it?

i like being who i am and where i am. and for those few little moments i feel so alive and a part of something… something bigger. it feel like being in a big, shining antheap. and those moments prove it’s all worth living.